How To Get No Friends

By Jaafar

If you want to get no friends you must read this so you will understand what to do. It might work for you. If you hate life and the people around you (besides your parents) and if you would rather play games than go out in public, then follow these steps – no one will go near you.

Step 1: Don’t hang around busy areas such as shopping centres, courtyards, parks and cinemas. There are too many people around and it’s too risky.

Step 2: At school, go to the toilets and eat your recess and lunch there. This will make sure that no one will come near you. If they do, just shout “I’m doing a poop!” and throw some food over the door so they know you are eating in there.

Step 3: When you cannot be in the toilets, just sit alone. Don’t talk to people, just play games. The library is a good place to go. Avoid eye contact at all costs.

Step 4: Be annoying on the bus to and from school. Say mean stuff on the bus. Don’t stop even if people say stop, just don’t.

Step 5: Be really weird and creep people out. For the best results, say, “I eat my own boogers!”

Step 6: Don’t shower, don’t wear deodorant and also don’t change your socks.

Step 7: If you find yourself within 10 metres of another person, this is a great time take off your shoes and socks and then sniff your own feet. They won’t go near you at all.

Step 8: ‘Borrow’ people’s phones and wrap them with duct tape. Then call them.

Step 9: Steal people’s food while they are eating, then run to the toilets and enjoy your new lunch.

Step 10: If, after all of this, someone still wants to be your friend just run away from them.